I’ve wanted to write about so many things lately. Time has not been on my side. My stories are not few. I believe that God always gives us just the right moment to pen our thoughts and our cares. To me, each moment I write is therapy in my mind and in my heart. My words are sometimes prayers and declarations of faith and trust in a God that is greater than my circumstances. My words are sometimes opportunities to share my heart, when it’s strong and when it’s crying out to God.
Today I feel the burden of wanting to be a better mom. The many thoughts in my mind can easily make me feel like I’m not doing enough- although I know in my heart I am trying to do so much more. I’ve tried to give my kids all I thought they needed. It’s never been in my agenda to provide materials things as proof of my love. I’ve never believed in using things to validate my love. No matter what we give our kids, I don’t believe they ever feel we’ve given enough of what they feel they should’ve gotten from me as a mother. And then, there are moments like those I experience daily where I’m told I’m just too on top of them and need to pull away.
As the parent of a Type 1 Diabetic, I’ve tried providing support and taking care of my son from the sidelines. I could see the frustration on his face each time I reminded him to check his sugar or if he has given himself insulin and the faces told me, “Mom, please, I know!” I know he knows but even though he knows perhaps as much or more than those wonderful Diabetes Educators, he still falls short of completing the daily tasks of doing things on time. He still gets carried away with the games or his friends and yes, believe it or not, and maybe most parents can agree, he forgets to give himself insulin and doesn’t remember until he’s feeling sick and his sugars have spiked.
Then, I lovingly go and remind him that I had asked him to do it a while back and these moments seem to build a wall between us. Anger lays down bricks that separate us. I try to back down and give him space but when I do, I see the things that need to be in order become chaos. It all falls on me because I have to be the one to make sure he is feeling well and taking care of himself. He wants to be big and show me he has it under control. My world is being shaken and he can’t see the damage he is accumulating each time he wants to live as if T1D was not a part of his world. But, it is. I keep praying that God will completely heal him. I believe God is able to renew my son’s inner body and transform him. But, that is all in God’s time and in God’s will.
So, I write. I remind myself that God is still in control and that when His word says he has great plans for my son’s future, I still believe it is so. I write and remind myself that my son is still growing in many ways and that the Lord breaks down walls built through misunderstandings and frustrations when parents try to get their children to truly understand that what they tell them or ask them to do is for their benefit and that there are blessings physically and in so many ways to take care of themselves. I write and I encourage myself because I believe that when we ask God to guide us as parents, He is a God that answers and directs our paths. I believe God is interested in blessing the home and keeping families happy and strong. This is why I tell myself to wait upon the Lord. He will do something in my home with my son as he continues to find his way with the Type 1 Diabetes. I believe he is not alone and that the Lord will help him and the Lord will help me.
As the parent of a T1D, I don’t always feel accomplished. I’m stressed and overwhelmed, especially at night when I want to go to sleep and my son hasn’t taken care of his needs. I’m the voice that bothers. I’m the presence that annoys. I’m the mom who cares and can’t sleep until he checks his sugar, covers himself with insulin or his pump or gets Lantus. He sees me as a pain in his rear, but God calls me to push through and continue to love him and do all I do with the greatest love inside of me. I continue to pray for wisdom and I keep praying for other parents who go through frustrating moments like I do. God is able to strengthen us and help us through the hard times. He will be present to celebrate the good times with us as well. Until there is a cure and until God’s hands completely transform our sick children, may they hear our voices as loving and caring reminders of our love for their present health and their future success. May the Lord continue to bless parents like you that care a little extra but never give up.