CONTINUE TO PRESS ON

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

Here I am again. We're not strangers and I am so glad you take the time to just sit here with me. Maybe you're having some coffee, like I am, or maybe just surfing the internet looking for something out here in this massive world of words to speak into your life.
"Failure," you correct me. "Speak into my failures."

Then I correct you in return. "It's not just you. I'm there many times as well." As a mom of a son with T1D, who has entered his teen years, I can say so many things are changing. Yes, maybe the hormones, the changes, the middle school years. It's all of that and then it's not. 

I have a great son. He's smart, respectful, and pretty awesome! Still, there are times I have just seen him lash out and say, "No!" He'll say, "No." when I re-enter his room with the pump, prepared and set once more, only a few minutes or hours after having placed a new site on him. Some say it's the heat. Others that he's just hot all the time. The infusion set's sticky piece just dies out and he's back to having to need it placed on him again. He gets tired. "It hurts, mom. Please." or, "Just give me Lantus. I'll go back on just syringes all day."

We're not trained or experts on how to deal with these moments. Encouragement is something that is easy when my son is out on the Football field. Boy, can I make those Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders look like yesterday's news. I mean, I am really one heck on a cheerleader for my Jacob. And then, reality returns, chaos appears and I don't have a shout, a dance or a word to share. 

When his sugar levels are not high, then they're low. When he's not drinking large amounts of water, he's looking for juice. There's always something. There's always room for chaos. Maybe we end up here sometimes for different reasons. We let go of our regular routines and care. I think sometimes we get tired of being on top of our kids and they're begging to left alone and be able to live like everyone else. 

Failure comes in the form of feeling like I'm not doing my best or maybe I didn't try enough. Failure, and I mean those high blood sugar moments when I imagine the worst come to make me feel like my son should've had a different mom. Maybe someone stronger or more courageous, or who could more easily kick his big butt when he gives her a hard time. 

Finishing my coffee and cheating on my diet with some crackers and cheese while everyone else is asleep, I smile and decide to not only speak to you, perhaps breaking night with me, but to myself as well. Yes, well, call me crazy, or a little crazy, I speak to myself, but, like I said, "It's for you, too."

"You are not a failure. You have not failed as a mom. Nope! Absolutely, No way!"

You may feel defeated and tired at times but you are none of the above. You are a great mom and you are doing the best you can. You are a great dad and you are working your hardest for your T1D child. The fact that you are present, says so much. The fact that you are on your child, reminding them what to do and going out of your way to help them, even when they get grouchy and don't want to hear it, says volumes.

Take that discouragement and that lie that you have failed and toss it in the garbage, and not the recycle bin. We don't want any other parents getting this junk. You're a great parent. We don't always know it all or what's best, but we try. You can't lay back and take it easy either because if not our kids will run us over. So, we got to keep it together, in control, focused and confident.

Jacob is has had some really crappy days lately. I'm getting ready to give a new doctor a try. My amazing son who has always excelled educationally has fallen behind at an alarming rate. He rarely feels well and at times I'm at a loss for words. What do I do, Lord?

I choose to worship the Lord in the midst of discouragement. I choose to stand firm and believe God's word. I choose to lean on the Lord and make His word a priority for in it I find strength, comfort, words to guide me and lift me up.

I choose to worship God through music, through songs, even at work, the songs are in the silence of my thoughts, but I am praising the Lord. I am battling and giving God thanks for what He has promised and done. I declare victory even when it seems far away and uncertain. I bless the Lord!

I speak hope into my heart and remind my mind that God is Awesome, Amazing and no matter what I see or feel, God is here, in my home, in my life and never unaware of my situation.  

I choose to trust in You, Lord. I wait upon Your mercies. I surrender everything that seems to be going downward in a spiral storm and really fast, I give it all to you. Give me wisdom to be the parent my children need. Give me insight and knowledge to make better choices and to have a heart that senses you when you lead and guide me. Have your way in our home, in my children's bodies and in their minds. 

In Jesus name. Amen.

Can You See My S.O.S.?

Written By Angeline M Duran Santiago

What do we do when we are faced with seeing our children in a continued state of sickness? What is the answer to their cries for help when we try and keep trying every piece of advice, doctor's counsel and what medical books tell us to do and still, we are left looking into the eyes of our child and see that we are a failure, no source of comfort and unable to lead them out of their pain?

I, myself have been on a roller coaster journey with my son, watching him on a downward spiral more than a steady line of improvement. I know the facts of what happens when a Type 1 Diabetic continues with high blood glucose. All those negative thoughts come into my mind and I look for ways to help my son have what is considered normal numbers. But, the truth is, one moment it's all good and another moment, it's crazy again! Being the parent of a child with Type 1 is hard because there are times I just wish it was me and not him. I can swear that there are times during the night or early morning when I feel really sick and something inside me tells me to get up because that is how my son is feeling. I rise up and go check on him, and exactly as I was feeling or dreaming, I find my son either in a terribly low sugar moment or throwing up in the bathroom with very high glucose.

That's where I wonder if anyone can see my "S.O.S.?" I'm crying out, "Save Our Ship!" I'm crying out, "Lord, do you see this? God can you hear us? Heavenly Father, are you here in this house with us or am I alone?" It is through these painful and hard situations that I've learned to detect when the enemy is present and begins to attack my children through sickness. It is in these moments when the thought, "God, are you still able to work in my situation?" is answered with a loud, "Yes! God can do anything! Just believe!" It is in the early hours of the morning when I've barely started to sleep and know that I have to get up in just a few minutes, that I have no other choice but to send out a heavenly S.O.S., a cry that comes from deep inside of me and I can't even speak it. But, God hears. Holy Spirit is present and sees and knows and feels what I am going through, but more importantly what my son is going through.

 

Are you sitting on the same ship with me this morning? Are you looking at the storm that rises around your child and inside your child's body as the fevers refuse to leave, the doctor's continue to send you home without an answer or diagnosis, and as your child continues to lie in bed, hurting and going through this madness? Then, you need to join me in rowing with me. Take the side and begin to row towards the Lord in faith and standing on His Word that He is able to visit our home and visit our children on this rainy day.

When you rise up with your sick child in the middle of the night, don't just take care of them with medicine and what they physically need. Begin to pray. My friend, pray. Talk tot he Lord and surrender your child to the Lord. Invite the Lord into your child's bedroom. Invite the Lord into your home. Sing a song of praise and worship the Lord through your whispers into the dark. As you walk back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom and back to your child's room, cleaning up the vomit, making tea or getting medicine, continue to evict the sickness that has arrived and refuses to leave. Continue to pray and seek God's will. Fight with your worship. Fight with your praise. Bless your child in Jesus name. Pray over your other children as well.

A few days of peace and quiet in your home may mean the battle is over for a time. I've learned to acknowledge that the Enemy of our Souls doesn't stop planning against God's chosen, God's beloved and God's anointed ones. So, don't you and I stop seeking the Lord and being ready for the assault on our children.

Lord, I pray for my son, my kids and my family who are going through sickness. I know that these continued illnesses are not normal. So, I run to you. Can you see my S.O.S.? I know you can. I know I am not alone. I know you are in my home even when I am at work or on the road. I trust in you, Lord. When the answer comes quickly, and when it seems to be delayed. I know you're coming through. I trust in You, Lord. Through the rainy days inside my heart and the sunny times that come as well. I trust in Your power to heal my son, to restore and make all things new. I write to affirm this as my reality. I write it down as my confession and my sure hope. I trust in Your Promises.
Amen.

 

If you need prayer or just need to share, I would love to pray with you, for your home or just listen. I love it when others share and we encourage one another in the Lord. God bless you greatly.

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