Thursday, May 12, 2016
BEING A BETTER MOM
By Angeline M Duran Santiago
For those who don't usually follow my blogs, I am the parent of an amazing young man who has Type 1 Diabetes. His battle is real. His struggles are many. My parents have recently joined me, walking with me and my son, to do what should be done in order to make him succeed in school and feel great physically.
So, what's the big deal that I chose to write about this now? The truth is that many times I have felt so overwhelmed and frustrated. He has this amazing brain. His thinking is amazing and he is so smart and I see his grades go up and down when he is absent from school. I feel so angry when I reach out to Pediatric Endocrinologist who can't fit me into their schedule for an appointment or a follow up.
My insides turn upside down when I don't see the caring and nurturing heart in the persons that take care of my son daily. I see people like those in the schools and the hospitals who just want to pass him over to the next hands and not truly learn how to take care of him. People see high glucose levels and it's easier for them to send him home than to give him time after he has given himself insulin, to get the levels down.
It angers me to go to doctors who charge you for everything from the chair you sit in to the few minutes they took to actually look at you as you talk, but they have no ideas, no thoughts or plans on how to best advise me as a parent. It's the same "blah, blah, blah" I've heard before. But, the moment something goes wrong, it's my fault.
Recently, I have gone through moments where I've been so angry at my son's high glucose levels that I've come out at him and blamed him for not doing better as far as managing the T1D. I've been fast to accuse and slow to listen. I've been too tired at times to listen and I've wanted the quick fix of just getting his sugars down and making sure he would go to school the next day. To know he will be absent again, makes me feel like I've failed. Being an educator for so many years, I see other parents able to celebrate their child's educational success but I have to see my son, whom I consider brilliant, struggle to prove he can do better.
He goes to the hospital or stays home very ill but he is still expected and required to complete classwork (as if he was in school and heard the lesson) and homework (which would have been the review for what he would have listened to had he been in class.) There are some who extend mercy and give him time to complete assignments, but, what do we do when he just wasn't present to learn the materials? Why is he still held up to the same standard as the students who were in the classroom, listening and participating to the instruction?
And so, I began to push my son to go to school even if he wasn't feeling a hundred percent. I spoke harshly and even said he might not be speaking the truth to me just to stay home. I began to feel like a bad parent because I couldn't get him to feel better no matter what doctor I took him to. I have felt such a failure.
Instead of a place of healing, my home has at times been a place of back and forth arguments, accusations and hurtful words. When, Lord, did this get so crazy?
Last night at Bible Study, I walked in to listen to the minister talking about parenting. To think just moments before, all hell had broken lose in my home because once more I was angry at how my son was not doing his best to take care of himself and he was sick again. It was with these verses on the screen, that I had my own time with the Lord. The minister didn't attract my attention or make me want to listen, but the scripture on the screen spoke out loudly!
My job is not to discourage or make my children bitter but to seek God's wisdom and direction before I speak. If I was to just wait a few moments before I act and answer, God in me can change the way everything reacts in a moment of anger. If I can see myself as Holy Spirit in my home, working all things out, my response and reaction will be different.
So, after the Bible Study, I went home with an agenda. No matter how many years we may lay claim to be a Christian, we still learn if we are open to instruction. I believe the Scriptures last night were clearly reminding me that I am a teacher even in my home and that God expects me to keep my calm and cool at home when situations occur just like I do at work. Love.
Love was the one thing that I remember the minister saying. You start out by loving one another as a married couple and you create this amazing baby with love and you raise this wonderful gift with love.
Lord, forgive me for not being better at understanding the changes my son is going through with T1D. Help me to be the help and the listening ear he needs in this time of his life. Change my heart to be a blessing to him. Use my life to speak life into his life and that he can see how real you are. Lord, help me to seek your presence and your will when things get heated and crazy in my home or in our lives. I know that there is victory when we turn it all to you.
I recognize I fall short of what you have called me to be. I need you to show me how to be a better mom when it comes to communication and just loving my kids the way you have loved me. And, Lord, teach me to pray and believe that you are His healer. I will continue to pray for my son's healing in Jesus Name. Amen.
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