Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Sometimes, I Just Don't Know What To Do

This morning I find myself somewhere in the middle of frustration and inadequate. Yes! Me.
It just doesn't make sense how I can take such good care to prepare my child to go to bed feeling well, his glucose numbers almost perfect, (if there's such a thing,) and yet, he will awaken in the morning completely unable to attend morning classes. 

Could it be that you understand what I'm talking about here because, although this is not deja vu, you've most definitely been in this same position before?

You know what it's like to change the infusion site last before bedtime. You take your time making sure he or she is covered and rested for the challenges of a new day. 

Then why is it 8:00 am and my child is still in bed getting over those "sick symptoms" that are present when the blood sugars are high. I'm sure you've experienced this dumb and awkward buzz in your brain where you're like, "How the heck did that happen while he was sleeping?" Perhaps, your child like mine has awokened with almost 600 for sugar level. 

I'm having a Charlie Brown moment here, AUGH, Good grief!

Now, imagine. It's morning rush. He is supposed to leave the house by 7:15 am and he is just feeling sick. Does this happen to you? Your mind becomes the lawyer and the self interrogating begin:

So, what went wrong? Is the pump acting up?
Is the site not working?
Could it be the insulin is not good anymore?
Did I do something wrong here?
The truth is, and I'm almost positive of this here, that I haven't done anything wrong. 
Did I make a mistake when I was adding insulin?
Could it be the tubing?
Why didn't you get up at 3:00 am to check on him. You usually do!

The voice of accusation and condemnation team up against you and sometimes, you just don't know what to do. I'm there a lot. Some days I feel like a medical professional and I can almost see fairies dancing away in my living room and musical notes floating in the air. Oh, yeah, and then I wake up to reality, like today, and BOOM, it is all in my face once more. 

All you and I can do as parents in moments like this is breathe, take it easy and use what is before us to get our child's blood levels to improve and for our child to feel better. 

I am writing to encourage you today because this morning I've needed the extra person on my team to work with me. This road can be lonely many times because we carry the burden alone and no on else in the home is able to do what we do. We remain quiet because panic mode is destructive to ourselves and our children. We learn to find that "happy place" and stay there until it is over.

For me, my feelings of inadequacy and frustration take me to Scripture. I allow my thoughts and my feet to take me to words of hope and promise. My heart soars in a prayer that no one but the Lord hears and I surrender my child into the arms of Love. 

Lord, this day is so frustrating. I don't know what to do sometimes. I don't want my son to be absent from school, again, but how do I send him like this? Lord, I feel like it's all my fault, all the time, and deep inside I am sure I've tried to do all I can and then this still happens. Be my strength and fill my life so that I can pour out into my son everything he needs from me today and always.

Lord, When I don't know what to do....I turn to You.

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