Monday, December 23, 2013



Before I sleep, I look outside the window, the world is wide awake and so am I. The skies are gray, the trees are dark, and the light outside comes in small bits and pieces. The night lamp outside is not too bright and passing cars make light run through the window blinds every few minutes. 

Once more, tonight, like many nights in the past, I am on a midnight watch, watching over my son. Fear is a strong presence, but Faith arrived as well. Faith has proven a loyal friend, and can take any argument Fear throws my way. So far, Faith has won everytime. Faith never argues alone but keeps Hope and Love on speed dial. Just in case. You never know when it's a full house after midnight. And I must always be ready.
I felt such guilt. You see, I was so tired that I ordered out when in the back of my mind I heard all the warning signs to get my tired behind up and cook a homemade meal, not take out. 

I can't explain it. I just had a bad feeling. 

The price paid for take-out was high sugar levels that lasted for a few hours.  I began to give him a correction and lots of water. All I heard in my head was, "What a horrible mom you are! Shame on you!" Fear walked in and stared me in the face. I silently prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me. Yes, Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for the excuse of being too tired. Forgive me for not listening to the warning in my spirit. That's when Faith walked in and Hope followed.

My son's sugar levels went back to normal but they were pretty high for a while. I prayed and asked the Lord to teach me to be the parent my son needs. Help me, Lord. For each time I think I am learning something new, I see a billion areas that still need improvement. 

Faith and Hope stood with me tonight and reminded me that I have to learn to believe I will make the best decisions for my son. Faith reminds me that trusting my heart and my instincts will never fail. Faith tells me that I am not alone in my walk as the mom of a Type 1 Diabetic child. Last time to check my son's sugar. He is asleep. Relief fills my heart but then again, Faith and Hope had promised me good news was near. I kiss my son, good night and smile as Fear walks away and slams the door behind. Faith and Hope smile back and let me know they'll hand around til morning.

I am ready to nod off. With a grateful heart, I turn off the lights and attempt to sleep. Once more, I pray for wisdom, guidance, and the ability to make better choices every day. Even in small things like ordering take-out. Never thought you'd read about a ridiculous thing like this, right? But, maybe you're a parent, a tired one, that has worked late hours or was sick and this idea comes into your mind like it did with me. Follow your heart. Your heart is faithful and true. Create and have a back up plan. I know I will from now on.

Lesson learned: Plan ahead and prepare extra food when you imagine you might have a super busy schedule. Better some healthy left overs, than unhealthy take out.

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