WHEN DOES IT END?

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

As I write these words, and most likely sound like I'm venting, I am completely aware that there are other families right now, going through much painful situations. I also acknowledge, that while my son has had one of his worst weeks, there are children in the hospital and there are families that right now sit or stand by a loved one's bedside, listening to tragic news and waiting. Some wait for their loved one to get better, and others embrace to comfort one another's pain at receiving the most difficult news.

This week, I truly wondered if it was even worth going to work. No matter what I've done, or anyone at home did, to help my son's physical condition improve, it seemed he was better for a few minutes and then back to some kind of virus by the night time. I have even wondered if this apartment has something to do with him feeling so sick all the time. I take him to the doctor and they'll say, "It's a viral infection. Take him home for two days. Liquids, Motrin and he will be better soon." But, I feel like my son has had some kind of Viral infection all year. I think he wins the prize this year for most absences and being picked up from school. He went in to take the state exams and couldn't even complete it. 

So, yes, to some degree I am frustrated and I guess we have the permission to get upset. Have I prayed enough? Did I pray correctly? As a parent, that is a believer, all these thoughts come into our minds. What can I do differently? Have I not encouraged him enough? Have I taught him to prevail, push through and never give up even when it gets hard? 

Today, at work, I have questioned my ways as a parent. I have taken a memory walk through my days as a mom and I've seen the times I think I've done well, (or at least I hope so), to so many times when I wish I could have done things differently, better, or do them over. Oh, that do over might be so true for so many parents. I know I can't go back in time, but I ask the Lord to help me be the best my kids can have in a parent each day. Still, I want to see a change in my son. Is this what it will always be like with Type 1 Diabetes? 

My thoughts have taken me to look at Diabetes camps. Maybe instead of Football, he needs to go away and be with other kids like him and learn what I can't get him to learn? I looked at scholarships and ways certain groups fund and help families send their child to Diabetic camps. This is something I will research more and hopefully he is now ready to go, learn and receive what he needs.

So, when does it end?

The waiting.....

I thought of erasing every word on this page and starting all over again. Then, I realized that sometimes I only have this page to pour out what I feel and think.  So, I'm waiting to see the change in my son's health, his life, and as I wait I hear my mom saying, "Angie, remember, they that wait on the Lord, like the eagle, remember the eagle, remember the wings, new strength, soaring up."

As I write, I am reminded that my wait is not in vain. I believe God will do awesome things in my son's body. I will see it! I will give God all the glory and praise from today, until my last days.

I guess, it ends....well, we never know, right?
But, for right now, Lord, I can't complain because I can't even begin to feel what my son feels. I pray you meet his needs, be His Champion and raise him up to feel great and do great things in his life. Lord, lead me to a better doctor, to better medical care, to whatever my son needs, lead me. Guide me to see his needs and why or how he just doesn't get better. Lead me in helping him stay in school. Strengthen and heal my son in Jesus name. Lord, touch my son's body. Restore every organ in his body that refuses to work the way it should. Renew every area in his body and every organ in his body that needs to be made new. Lord, give us as a family the wisdom we need to be smarter, wiser, better listeners, stronger in our faith, and better at looking for ways to help my son. Provide for all his needs, Lord. I believe!
Thank you, Lord. Amen.

I TOLD YOU, JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!

 By Angeline M Duran Santiago

It's been a long wait, right? For some of you, you're still waiting. You're still at someone's bedside, praying and waiting.
For some of you, you're still waiting on your miracle.
For some, the breakthrough is almost there.
For others, you are getting ready to go through the biggest moment ever as you put your faith in focus and share before the world.
And, for others, the worst has passed. You are thanking the Lord for what He has done, but you still have your armor on because for us who walk by faith and not by sight, our battle is rarely over, right?

So, I found some verses I thought you could use as you either come to the close of your dark night, get ready to rejoice in God's blessings, or are still on your knees crying out to God.

 

Hear the Lord whispering into your heart......

 God will never back down on His Word.

God is not looking to mess up and look bad when He has spoken

and made a promise into your life. He will keep His Word.

Maybe you're like me, sickness constantly showing up with their luggage and back packs, like it's Thanksgiving and it's here for dinner. God has given us the Scriptures to believe in God's power to restore us and set us free from all sickness. Command it to go!

PEACE, BE STILL

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

Last night, once more, tsunami waves rose high and splashed like iron fists upon my son. Never ending waves of sickness visited as if a party invitation was sent out to come and harass my child. The storm, it came, and it wouldn't go away. 

I prayed.
I wrote about it to get others to pray with me.
I spoke to the Lord.
At one point I though about returning to the hospital, and then,
"PEACE, BE STILL."
In the midst of the noise, my anxious heart, and seeing him the way he was, "PEACE, BE STILL."

Lord, how?
How do I claim this peace?
How do I stand still when this chaos around me consumes everything I love?
I realize that the moment I begin to question and take my eyes off of God's Word, I begin to sink and sink quickly.

You and I, we see these waves rise up against us in different ways, not just sickness and desperation. You and I see the waves rise and feel that we're going to go under and not be able to come up and out, especially someone like me that doesn't know how to swim. But, here I was, looking at the situation, listening to the dilemma, and God had already said, "Peace."
And God had said, "Be still."

So, I decided to get out of the boat in the midst of the storms last night and attempt my try at walking on water, walking on stormy waters, walking upon the very waves that tormented and threatened me and my family. I stepped out in faith and chose to put my eyes, not on my child's situation, or my heart's fears, but to look straight into God's eyes and keep my focus there. For with my eyes on His promises, I cannot fall, I will not sink, I will not experience defeat.

Morning has come and I cannot go to work without saying, "My son is resting in bed and he is so much better!" I won't be sending him off to school to take exams today because I know he's gone through a lot. But, when he goes, I know he will do well because God has completely restored him. Prayer is telling God we're not only believing but choosing to trust Him even when we feel the buffeting and the sting of the crashing waves upon our skin. Prayer is our conversation of faith that says, "My faith is more than wearing a cross around my neck and a T-Shirt that says Jesus saves." Prayer is my conversation with a true, a real and an awesome God that keeps his word.

Peace, Be still.
This is what the Lord says to you also.
You're hurting. You're desperate. Your battle is real and you bare the scars to prove it.
Peace. Grab hold of the Peace God speaks into your life and your circumstances right now.
God speaks Peace into your body, into your mind and into your room.
God speaks peace into your nervous system, your blood stream, your confusion and your depression. God speaks PEACE to your heart, as you wait in the hospital room, pray in your bedroom, pray on the train, in the bus, or in your car.

Lord, we walk forward knowing your peace is our hope and our strength on this day and always.
Thank you Lord. We love you always. Amen.

THE DARKER THE NIGHT

By Angeline M Duran Santiago


There is no cure for Type 1 Diabetes. God is able to heal. I believe it. God will strengthen us as we wait on him to provide a cure, or remove it by His power and grace, completely.

Tonight, as the past few nights, my daughter and I have watched my son continue to vomit and go through the motions of what doctors say is just a virus. I guess they're right, but I am bothered by the high sugars that just don't go down, even when I continue to monitor his numbers and provide the precise amount of insulin. 

 

Tonight, I am tired. I won't lie to you- I am frustrated, somewhat angry, and overwhelmed. Tomorrow, students take the NY State exams, and while some parents have already prepared their children with hugs, kisses, and sent them to sleep a little early, I am here waiting, and debating if I should return to the Emergency Room. The doctors last night said if he started to throw up again and the glucose rose again, most likely, if there was no change, I should think about returning him to the ER. So, what do I do, Lord?

Am I wrong to wait another half hour? Have I prayed and waited enough or is it I've resigned to just wait and see. I don't want to just sit on the sidelines and wait. I believe God has given us wisdom to make the right choice. But, Lord, I hate to see how he gets poked for blood and how they never find the vein. Six times they attempted to find the right vein. Three different nurses. Only twice did they succeed. He never complained. He just held his breath, took deep breaths and at times just laughed out loud saying, "Oh, my God."

The darker the night, the darker your moment,
The more God's Light and presence shines your way.

 I've wondered at times why God didn't create us so that we could take over the pain and the sickness our children carry. Lord, I'd gladly surrender every part of my being to carry every physical and emotional pain and burden for my children, but you didn't make it that way, did you? Here I am wishing I could take it all away and all I can do is pray, wait on You, Lord. 

Your Word says that if I wait upon you, my strength will be renewed. So, I wait for Jacob's physical strength to be renewed, that he may mount up on wings like the eagle and soar, be strong and be able to wake up feeling brand new.

The darker the night, the weaker my faith gets,
Your love is brighter, Your Light shines my way!

Your Word says to ask and I shall receive. I ask for You to come into my home, tonight, Lord, and lay your powerful hand, compassionate and merciful hand, hands of healing upon my son and remove every evidence of sickness and infection.

Your Word says that Jesus carried every infirmity, disease and all my burdens. I write and believe in my heart that YOU have carried every ache, every pain and discomfort, everything that doesn't belong in Jacob's body and that in Jesus Name, my son is recovering and receiving health.

Your Word says that if I cast my cares and burdens upon you, I shall have rest. I cast my son's worries, his physical problems, his burdens and mine, all into your huge, heavenly hands, because he needs rest, my daughter needs rest, and I need rest. Lord, no more breaking night for us. All we have, Lord, I place before you. Visit our home tonight.

The darker the night, the brighter your love,
The darker the night, the more I wait on You. 

As I share tonight, I wonder, and recognize, I am not the only parent with a sick child. I am most definitely not the only person with a burden, tired or watching their child push through. If you find yourself like me, all I can tell you is that you will have to make the decision to believe once more, or for the first time, that God can and will deliver your child and your family from this sickness. God can and He will make a way. His promises can be trusted for I have seen Him work in our lives so many times. Pray, cry out to the Lord, seek the promises in scriptures, and speak your heart out to the Lord. Cast all your cares, your anxiety, your worries and your heartache before his throne and expect deliverance, expect a change, and expect God to show up. 

I am waiting. I am believing. I am in expectation that the Lord will do mightily on behalf of my son. There is nothing else I can do. The doctors cannot do anything. There is no medicine for a virus. There is no pill to cure Diabetes. But, there is a God that says, even in the midst of this sickness, remember I created your child and I will make all things new. This is the hope I hold on to and I pray you don't despair or give up, trust Him.

 The darker the night, the more His Light shines.
You may be breaking one more night, but call out to the Lord. Yes, it is hard to be up at night when your body wants the pillows and your comfy bed. But, tonight, as dark as it seems here and where you are, God's Light shines brighter than the moon and the stars. His presence is brighter than that the lights left outside to light the sidewalks or the streets. The darker the night, the more I know God's blessings are on their way, greater and stronger than ever before.