By Angeline M Duran Santiago
Here I am again. We're not strangers and I am so glad you take the time to just sit here with me. Maybe you're having some coffee, like I am, or maybe just surfing the internet looking for something out here in this massive world of words to speak into your life.
"Failure," you correct me. "Speak into my failures."
Then I correct you in return. "It's not just you. I'm there many times as well." As a mom of a son with T1D, who has entered his teen years, I can say so many things are changing. Yes, maybe the hormones, the changes, the middle school years. It's all of that and then it's not.
I have a great son. He's smart, respectful, and pretty awesome! Still, there are times I have just seen him lash out and say, "No!" He'll say, "No." when I re-enter his room with the pump, prepared and set once more, only a few minutes or hours after having placed a new site on him. Some say it's the heat. Others that he's just hot all the time. The infusion set's sticky piece just dies out and he's back to having to need it placed on him again. He gets tired. "It hurts, mom. Please." or, "Just give me Lantus. I'll go back on just syringes all day."
We're not trained or experts on how to deal with these moments. Encouragement is something that is easy when my son is out on the Football field. Boy, can I make those Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders look like yesterday's news. I mean, I am really one heck on a cheerleader for my Jacob. And then, reality returns, chaos appears and I don't have a shout, a dance or a word to share.
When his sugar levels are not high, then they're low. When he's not drinking large amounts of water, he's looking for juice. There's always something. There's always room for chaos. Maybe we end up here sometimes for different reasons. We let go of our regular routines and care. I think sometimes we get tired of being on top of our kids and they're begging to left alone and be able to live like everyone else.
Failure comes in the form of feeling like I'm not doing my best or maybe I didn't try enough. Failure, and I mean those high blood sugar moments when I imagine the worst come to make me feel like my son should've had a different mom. Maybe someone stronger or more courageous, or who could more easily kick his big butt when he gives her a hard time.
Finishing my coffee and cheating on my diet with some crackers and cheese while everyone else is asleep, I smile and decide to not only speak to you, perhaps breaking night with me, but to myself as well. Yes, well, call me crazy, or a little crazy, I speak to myself, but, like I said, "It's for you, too."
"You are not a failure. You have not failed as a mom. Nope! Absolutely, No way!"
You may feel defeated and tired at times but you are none of the above. You are a great mom and you are doing the best you can. You are a great dad and you are working your hardest for your T1D child. The fact that you are present, says so much. The fact that you are on your child, reminding them what to do and going out of your way to help them, even when they get grouchy and don't want to hear it, says volumes.
Take that discouragement and that lie that you have failed and toss it in the garbage, and not the recycle bin. We don't want any other parents getting this junk. You're a great parent. We don't always know it all or what's best, but we try. You can't lay back and take it easy either because if not our kids will run us over. So, we got to keep it together, in control, focused and confident.
Jacob is has had some really crappy days lately. I'm getting ready to give a new doctor a try. My amazing son who has always excelled educationally has fallen behind at an alarming rate. He rarely feels well and at times I'm at a loss for words. What do I do, Lord?
I choose to worship the Lord in the midst of discouragement. I choose to stand firm and believe God's word. I choose to lean on the Lord and make His word a priority for in it I find strength, comfort, words to guide me and lift me up.
I choose to worship God through music, through songs, even at work, the songs are in the silence of my thoughts, but I am praising the Lord. I am battling and giving God thanks for what He has promised and done. I declare victory even when it seems far away and uncertain. I bless the Lord!
I speak hope into my heart and remind my mind that God is Awesome, Amazing and no matter what I see or feel, God is here, in my home, in my life and never unaware of my situation.
I choose to trust in You, Lord. I wait upon Your mercies. I surrender everything that seems to be going downward in a spiral storm and really fast, I give it all to you. Give me wisdom to be the parent my children need. Give me insight and knowledge to make better choices and to have a heart that senses you when you lead and guide me. Have your way in our home, in my children's bodies and in their minds.
In Jesus name. Amen.