By Angeline M Duran Santiago
As I write these words, and most likely sound like I'm venting, I am completely aware that there are other families right now, going through much painful situations. I also acknowledge, that while my son has had one of his worst weeks, there are children in the hospital and there are families that right now sit or stand by a loved one's bedside, listening to tragic news and waiting. Some wait for their loved one to get better, and others embrace to comfort one another's pain at receiving the most difficult news.
This week, I truly wondered if it was even worth going to work. No matter what I've done, or anyone at home did, to help my son's physical condition improve, it seemed he was better for a few minutes and then back to some kind of virus by the night time. I have even wondered if this apartment has something to do with him feeling so sick all the time. I take him to the doctor and they'll say, "It's a viral infection. Take him home for two days. Liquids, Motrin and he will be better soon." But, I feel like my son has had some kind of Viral infection all year. I think he wins the prize this year for most absences and being picked up from school. He went in to take the state exams and couldn't even complete it.
So, yes, to some degree I am frustrated and I guess we have the permission to get upset. Have I prayed enough? Did I pray correctly? As a parent, that is a believer, all these thoughts come into our minds. What can I do differently? Have I not encouraged him enough? Have I taught him to prevail, push through and never give up even when it gets hard?
Today, at work, I have questioned my ways as a parent. I have taken a memory walk through my days as a mom and I've seen the times I think I've done well, (or at least I hope so), to so many times when I wish I could have done things differently, better, or do them over. Oh, that do over might be so true for so many parents. I know I can't go back in time, but I ask the Lord to help me be the best my kids can have in a parent each day. Still, I want to see a change in my son. Is this what it will always be like with Type 1 Diabetes?
My thoughts have taken me to look at Diabetes camps. Maybe instead of Football, he needs to go away and be with other kids like him and learn what I can't get him to learn? I looked at scholarships and ways certain groups fund and help families send their child to Diabetic camps. This is something I will research more and hopefully he is now ready to go, learn and receive what he needs.
So, when does it end?
I thought of erasing every word on this page and starting all over again. Then, I realized that sometimes I only have this page to pour out what I feel and think. So, I'm waiting to see the change in my son's health, his life, and as I wait I hear my mom saying, "Angie, remember, they that wait on the Lord, like the eagle, remember the eagle, remember the wings, new strength, soaring up."
As I write, I am reminded that my wait is not in vain. I believe God will do awesome things in my son's body. I will see it! I will give God all the glory and praise from today, until my last days.
I guess, it ends....well, we never know, right?
But, for right now, Lord, I can't complain because I can't even begin to feel what my son feels. I pray you meet his needs, be His Champion and raise him up to feel great and do great things in his life. Lord, lead me to a better doctor, to better medical care, to whatever my son needs, lead me. Guide me to see his needs and why or how he just doesn't get better. Lead me in helping him stay in school. Strengthen and heal my son in Jesus name. Lord, touch my son's body. Restore every organ in his body that refuses to work the way it should. Renew every area in his body and every organ in his body that needs to be made new. Lord, give us as a family the wisdom we need to be smarter, wiser, better listeners, stronger in our faith, and better at looking for ways to help my son. Provide for all his needs, Lord. I believe!
Thank you, Lord. Amen.